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I just... I can't keep going on like this. Day in and day out. I'm being worn down to nothing.

I think that if I had made some different choices in my life things would be better. If I had a different family... wasnt born... I dont know. Theres so much I would change. So many regrets. So many things that are pushing me beyond my limits. I'm not an invincible man. I never was.

I cant even look at myself anymore. I see the scars, the hate. But the sadness is what stands out so much. The little lines here and there from worry. What ever happened to the man who could laugh and smile at anything. Laugh away his worries and give his all. I miss that man.

Craig Butler. Not a very complicated name. A man from a divided family. He knows pain. He knows laughter. Or rather, used to... Just look at that name. What does it mean to you? It means a lot to me. The history behind it. A grandfather who died in world war two. An uncle in vietnam. A proud name, a proud history. But broken never the less.

I just wish. For anything. Doesnt matter what. I wish for my place in life. A small home. White picket fence. Sounds cliche' I know... but thats all I want. A wife, and woman to call my own. Someone to love and hold. A family who will laugh and smile. Come to my bbq's, swim in my pool, and share memories. So simple. So perfect.

Thats all gone now. I've worked so hard for it... I worked myself sick trying to get those small things... and I just cant seem to get ahead... God, why did all of this have to happen to me? Am i that bad of a man to have to be beaten with these things. My only requests and desires ripped from my fingers? WHY! Just when things were getting close... ever so close...

My brother. He ruined it all it seems like. Divided my family. He ran from the Army, a fugitive. My mother has supported him and hid him away. But no, I wont stand for it. How could I? Such a proud history in the family! My father too! I never had a choice in what I had to do. I wanted to help him, he's blood. But I couldnt... it was wrong. Traitor. He turned his backon our family, and my mother supported him! How could she do that?

I turned him in... I gave him up. They know where he is. They'll get him eventually. He could run I suppose, but how far will he get? And my mother? She's too far gone now. I guess she just couldnt take it. Her mind is more cracked than mine. Unstable. What a word.

"Your dead to me." An odd thing to say. Am I dead? Not on the outside anyways. The mind and hearts dead. Gone! The way of the dinosaurs.

Hate is a powerful thing. To destroy such a proud family. Shattered. I never had a choice...

I love my family. But they dont love me.

And Courtney? Oh Court... why? I loved you so much, and you treat me the way you do. I give you everything I can... and when I need you the most you turn away. Another man in your life... how... you broke my heart. I took care of you when you broke your arm. I kept you company. Kissed in the barn in the cold the one night. I would have given you that small house and fence!

All gone now... Well if I'm dead to everyone then ******** YOU TOO. I wont live this way, trying to be perfect for everyone only to have it shoved in my face. I did what I was supposed to! I did everything everyone ever asked me!! But you ******** just...

You just... never cared. I love everyone but no one cares. Maybe I really am dead, and I just dont know it yet.

God damn... I love you.