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Here I am at work. Ive been here since wednesday morning, and Im still here. The couch and I are getting along nicely though, which makes me happy. My neck is sore from it though, but thats ok. Who needs a neck anyways. My work load is going down greatly from all the extra time and effort im putting into this stuff. I cant say waht im doing, but let me assure you... our ground troops will be pleased. Even so, im tired. Emotionally as well as physically. A friend at work said that I work to much. I laughed and told him that it was better than being home. Then I half realized that the reason I really do work so much is because it gives me the best excuse to be away. To hide from the pain at home. Litteral, and figureativly speaking.

My mother... well, she got back from an expensive vacation to virgina for a week. She had promised to come out to see me... but she didnt. I cant say I blame her, im not the type of person who really deserves someone to vist. Plus, my brothers went with her. Mostly to keep her sober I think, but it turns out they failed. Its hard coming from an alchoholic family. Statisticlly speaking, the siblings are 4 times as likely to be on themselves. I can see it in my brothers and myself. My brother shawn drinks to fit in, Danny to keep me company, and I drink to forget. To forget the sins I have, and for the ones I will make. I drink to forget my past mostly. I hate where I came from. Im ashamed of it. I look at my mother and cringe. I hate the way she is. And I see myself becoming like it more and more everyday. Im not sure what sent me down this path. Maybe it was beaing hit as a child. All I know is that even being a 'proud sailor' hasnt had the desired effect. I wanted to make her proud. So very proud. And yet, nothing seems to please. I've lost hope in my family. I dont forsee my brothers ever having children, and my sister wont carry the Butler name. So I guess it kind of falls on me. Though, if I had my choice, I would carry it on either. Somewhere along the line, I discovered that my fmaily line and name was jinxed. My father has been divorced 4 times. I watched 3 of them happen, and it broke him more and more each time. I see myself in him as well. A broken man, with nothing left but his work. He works to support his children. I work... to forget I guess. Work is simple for me. Fix this, replace that. Its all so very neat and organized. Life is much too complicated for me. I guess I was never very good at living. Being alive is my weak point. Or so I suppose. Its not like anyone cares anyways. Least not in my family, which is all I ever really wanted. I have no family now it feels like. Alone in the world, finding my place. I long for a family of my own, but I hide in my work too much. Im sensible enough to know that raising a family with a father like myself isnt a good thing for children, or a spouse. So, I'll be alone. Better for everone else. ******** what I want.