Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Im confused about a lot of things going on in my life. Between trying to live a normal life, and still trying to give all I have for others... It feels like im otrn between two worlds. In one world, im a normal guy, doing what everyone else does. I ask for nothing and give nothing. I work day in and day out, put in over time and hope to get promoted. Yes, this is my life outside of gaia that I speak of. Its a boring life, with a lack of adventure, and everything is where its supposed to be. No love, no confusion, and problems that can be solved by my will power alone to make things right again.

My other life is the one I leed here on Gaia. And the internet as a whole. Jodo is what I strive to be and am on the inside. He reflects my feelings upon the world. He is how I should be in real life. And yet I am not. His essence spills over into my neat little life and causes havok. I find myself thinking "What would Jodo do?" which is strange... for I am he, and yet I am not.

I suppose I could say something about stress or whatnot... But I dont feel stressed right now. Just lacking in answers. Answers that I should have and should know, but I dont. In reality my heart aches for those answers. Well hell, it aches for lots of things other than that as well. In my heart i guess im just greedy. I know the world wont serve up what I want. I have to go look for it. But I dont know where to look. My friends here On gaia are the most supportive I think I've ever had. But, they arent real. At least, in the way that I can touch and feel. I sit in front of my computer screen typing out my problems to a person however many miles away. I cant tell if they are sincere, or not. Though, I would like to think so... Just the thought alone is unnerving.

And speaking of love... what is the definition of it? And is it even a state that is possible? Im begining to think that I may be chasing something that doesnt exist. Which, if true, would make this world a very sad place indeed. I love all my friends I have on here, but the 'true' love that everyone looks for... I feel like I cant find it. I believe that in searching for it, I have pushed it away somehow. There are those in real life here who say they LOVE me. But I dont return those feelings. I dont know how. I dont feel like im a person who deserves to be loved. And that Im supposed to be alone. Which is something im used to I suppose. I once told someone that the people who do good in the world, those who sacrafice everything and give to others just to see them happy are in fact, the saddest people you will ever meet. For they have nothing for themselves, and no one gives to someone who is giving themselves. For most others believe that someone who can give such as us, belive that we are by defualt happy and content. This is not so. For, in makeing others happy, we can see that our lives are incomplete and lacking in things that we may never have. For the people who give, it is impossibly hard to become happy and content. Its a very sad fact, one that I've seen proven time and time again. We givers may smile, and put on a happy front... but watch our smile. For it is a sad one, one that hides our pain and loss.