Its been a rough couple of days out here where im at. Emotionally, as well as physically. Im not really sure where im at in my life now. I feel kind of lost, like I dont know where to turn or what to do. Things just keep piling on. I stay away from the net, and focus on trying to make things better... but it only gets worse. Lately the stress has been very bad. I get headaches, and cant sleep well. I had a dream a few days ago... It wasnt pretty.
Edit: To continue before I was interupted... Like I said, the dream was bad. It didnt make much sense now in retrospect, but even so it was creepy. I suppose it goes along with all the things that have gone wrong lately. I deleted AIM last night. Mostly because everytime I get on, someone has something sad or negative to tell me. Doesnt matter what it is. They could be talking badly about themselves, or something totally unrealted to me... but even so its just negative in general and I dont want to hear it. I feel bad for saying that, I really do. But its true.
My roommate, who hasnt been treating me very well, but is reguardless a close friend of mine... found out his wife was cheating on him. I had my suspicions, but no proof so I didnt say anything. I hate being right all the time. Somedays I wish I wasnt so good at being able to read people. To understand things the way I do. And yet, for all that I cant understand myself. I hardly have the will power to get up in the morning and face the day. And yet, I have to help him. Im morally obligated to as a friend.
Even now I can hear them fighting. She's crying, he's trying his hardest not to show how badly he's been hurt. Where do I stand in all of this? I wish I had slipped into a coma last night. I feel like im being dragged through all of the worlds worst situations. And for what purpose? I dont believe in a god. Nor Angels, Hell, or any other spiritual forces. Maybe this is hell. Have I sinned in some way so gravely past what the average person does that I now have earned this kind of... life? Is this even a way of life? I feel utterly alone in the world. It seems like, when I reach out theres no one there. Though Im sure many of you would disagree. And i agree with you. I know your all there. But its not the same. The internet isnt a real place. I cant sit next to you in the park and tell you my problems. To cry. To hug you.
This summer, im going to Alaska on a detachment. Its in the middle of august. I'll be gone for 18 days. Before that, Im moving back to base unless im needed here by Carl.
Edit #2: 25 days till my birthday. I'll be 21. yey...
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