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The New Vivian??
I feel so lonely here, now. I thought, maybe hoped that I would be better, but Im truly not. I feel a wave of homesickness, erm I mean SchoolSickness? I miss my friends back at Dessua, there I felt like they really were my friends. At WestView I feel like Im a useless doll. I was a new toy and now Im not. Im the little doll that the little girl forgets about every so often. Sometimes in class, my fellow classmates forget that I am present. Annoucing that I am absent but Im not. Im there arent I? I see my fingers wiggle before me. Yet not even my neighbor can remember my name, and speak out saying that Im there too. I know that Dessau isnt perfect, okay its suspension rate is probably double of WestViews. But there I felt like I mattered to at least one person. Even if Chris stopped caring about me, I always had Kimmy and Sabrina, and Kevin too. Now I feel like The Ugly Duckling, no one sees me and when they do they chose to ignore me. Am I that bad. I know that I collected enemies like bottlecaps. And yeah they made a club called the "I hate Vivian Club" But that was back in the Dessau days. I was different then just ask anybody at WestVeiw to compare things about me with a Dessau person. I never thought I could do it but I did, I spent an entire not yakking my mouth off. Even my family doubted that I could shut my mouth. BNut I did it, I even did it for more than a week. I still feel like Im doing it. Not talking. I still feel like I dont really care but I do. I want to move on. Can I? Will I?
I want to have a friend. Heck friends would be even better. But I guess that everyone at WestViews has already made friends with the people that they want to be friends with and theres no space on the rooster for me. I wish I was back at Dessau. Such wishful thinking I have. I wish for too many things in life. Can I not see that wishing is impossible. That dreaming is terrible. They are only the first step in failure and disappointment. Only I can make what I want happen. Yet where is my effort? I feel too lazy to go and actually look for it. It is my fault. For wishing, for dreaming. I dont want to have to deal with this anymore. I thought that after I lost my old ways, that I could live in peace. To not have to worry. But like they say old habits die hard. Do I have to live with this curse. A curse that makes me want to jump into a conversation. I know that I cant here. My uncanny gift for remembering names cant help because I just dont know enough about anyone to talk to them. I can listen all I want, eavesdropping on stuff about thier lives, I wont know them as a person. I cant talk to them because I am nervous? Why am I nervous? Is it because I want tp be friends with them, and in the past I never had to really try? They always jumped into my conversation or I join them into it. Asking of their opinions. I never really cared what anyone else thought, I could wear a shirt inside out and not care. Actually I did, and the only person that really noticed was my 2nd peroid teacher last year. She was the only person that actually said anything about it. What happened to The Old Vivian? Maybe I only imagined her returning presence. I thought I could talk agian, not like how I am talking now. Queit like. I want to be loud once again. To talk of neverending conversations again. But I can not only look at the good points of my old self. I have to remember the enemies I made too. HOw my big mouth made big bets, that i couldnt handle, well I could maybe handle half of them. I threw some pretty mean stuff at people and they reacted, could I blame them? No I couldnt.
Do i really want my old self? Or do I want my new self?
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