Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Im sitting around alone tonight. I looked in the mirror and I was kind of... disapointed. In myself. Im unshaven, slow, and fat. I've let myself go the last 6 months. Things have rocked my world emotionally. Intense highs, followed by the rock bottom lows that seem to follow. I looked into the mirror, and looked into my own eyes. I wanted to cry, I really did. I stopped myself from reaching that point the only way I knew how. I grabbed another beer, and retreated into my room. And this is where I am. Beer in hand, alone, and utterly miserable. I hate myself. I hate the way I am, the way I act, and the way I veiw the world. Im so full of hate and I dont know where it comes from. Human nature my a**. Even my friends dont want to be around me. Which is fine, I only end up pissing them off in some way. Besides, Im not used to friends. I always found it a little to easy to say goodbye and lock it all away. A lot of people say Im the warmest, most careing person ever. Maybe at first glance this might seem true. Those who know me, know that theres a lot more deeper down. In fact, I would say im pretty cold. I dont care about a lot of things. I despise people as a whole. I loathe large groups of human beings, and hate society for what it is.

I need a release. Something to stop all the pain and hurt and hate from building any more. I know im at that point again in my life where im about the break. I feel the cracks forming. In high school I was highly suicidal. I hated everything just as I do now. Amy saved my life, then left me. Figures, but I do owe her that at least. Im drifting back to my old ways. Emotionally, and physically. All I want to do is scream. I want to break something, cause some pain to someone else. Anything, just to get a release. Writing doesnt help anymore. Its all twisted and dark. I hate it.

Im starting work on Monday back at my squadron. I dont expect I'll be on much. In fact, im going to put in a lot of extra time like I was doing a while back. Work is much simpler in respect to all the trouble I have around here. Between my family, and home... I feel like I've lost myself. And no one even cares.

Im not going to let anyone in anymore. People hurt.