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Dear Diary,

I dont get on much anymore do I, I think now-a-days I just get on to write in my diary and even then I still barely get on.

I was goin kill myself yesterday but I didn't sadly. My depression was getting to be so much and I took a few sleeping pills and as I looked at them I thought maybe I should just swallow ALL of them. I dont know why I didnt but as u can tell I didnt. No one really gets it. They see a smile on my face or hear a laugh come from my mouth so they just think I'm happy when I want to die.
I told Ben I wanted to kill myself, he wasnt happy 2 hear that one bit. He asked if there was anything he could do, he said anything so I asked him to kill me.......He said If I didnt promise I wasnt goin kill myself he was goin cut, so I promised that I wouldnt....THAT NIGHT...

I miss my friends so much, I'm only able to talk 2 some of them. I havent really made anymore friends but a few ppl and still then I dont think could b friends like my old ones.

My dad bought me a Kawasaki, I knw I said it was going 2 b a yahama but ******** that s**t I'm in LOVE with the Kawasaki. I love riding it, It makes me forget about my depression and all the ways I couldnt try and kill myself. When I ride its just me and Zane (thats what I named my dirtbike) No one else.

Diary have u ever felt so alone that u could hear ur heart breaking by each passing second. My family doesnt see much by my fake smile or my fake laugh. They know I hate it here but they cant see the Sullen, almost emotionless person I'm starting to become more then ever. If I get to caught up in this kind of thoughts I picture my deaths..Cutting myself, hanging, drowning, Over-dose, fire, hit by a car, shooting....but is that the way to go. Or is it the easy way out of this Hell. Why cant something in my life b REALLY good, why cant something magical happen. Ya I was so happy to get my dirtbike but I want something more. Like idk.

If I did kill myself would anyone in michigan know, would they care. I guess the only thing really stopping me from doing it is my Twin. I dont want 2 make her any saddier then whn I moved. Thats me 4 you there, care more about my friends then I do about myself.

Why cant someone help me. Why cant someone notice what I'm hiding behind my mask; the depressed girl, the girl thats ready to kill herself, the girl hopeing for her shining knight to save her from hell, me.

I'm goin stop here and go take a bubble bath, that might help a little little little bit, do some readin...