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Emotion is a complex thing. I can hardly understand what i feel half the time, let alone what others feel in reguards to me. The last week has been a rollercoaster of feelings for me. Many highs, little lows. Always a positive thing, but as we all know: What goes up must come down.

My emotions have been in full swing for a while now. Something I normally wouldnt care for, but the person who brought them to the surface again is a good person. Kind, funny, beautiful... she is a lost soul very much like I am. She has had a bad run of luck in the past, compounded by several people who cant seem to let thigns go and be an adult. Granted, she is hardly an adult herself. at 19 years of age, who is. I dont even count myself as an adult. But, I digress.

Olivia, yes thats her name, is gone now. She left to go back to Indiana with her family. She'll be staying there in an attempt to get away from all the problems out here. I'm not sure how I feel other than that she took a peice of me when she left. I have mixed feelings on the matter entirely, especially considering that when I tried to kiss her after an afternoon of shopping and having several good laughs she rejeted me. I dont mind though, I understand why she did. And I sensed that she wanted to actually go through with it, but had to forcibly stop herself. I find that flattering somewhat, and feel a little comfort from that.

It feels like my heart is in a vice yet again. I let myself get far too attached to this woman. She knew it would only be worse if we had shared that kiss, that intimate moment that we both felt we wanted... but couldnt bring ourselves to go through with.

Other emotions have me all scattered and crazy as well. Anger at people who think that they can act and talk however they want. Saddness at myself for failing in many things I shouldnt have, and the suicidal urges that have been plagueing me since early this last year.

I assume that the stress of my upcomming deployment is one of the larger factors in all of this. I'll be the first to admit that I'm scared. I joke about 'I'm going to war!' and laugh. But in truth, thats exactly what I'm doing. Going to kill people, and have those people try to kill in return. Thats what war is after all, kill or be killed. As a soldier on the ground now, it makes it slightly more risky. A fact not lost on me, but I can still crack jokes about to ease the stress.

Ah well, I'll wrap this entry up now before I rant the entire database into oblivion. Besides, I doubt anyone reads the uber long entires anyways. I sure as hell wouldnt. rolleyes