Some days I wonder. Was my birth and life so forgettable that he could just up and walk away? Or did it kill him inside as he left? Has he been there in spirit? Or has he really been gone the whole time? If he'd been here with me, watched me grow, and grow up. Would he be proud of me? Or would he be disgusted with each step I took on my path? Would he have hugged me? Does he love me? Would he steer clear of me? Does he hate me? What does he think of me? I do wonder. I do worry. I hope. That he does love me. That he doesn't see me as a blight. That he does have pride for me and my life. Maybe someday, I'll find out. But... Do I really want to know? When I think of him, I hurt. I feel so angry. I feel hate. Bitter. Tomorrow he could be gone. What would I say? What would I do? How would I react to it? I wish I had answers. Because, even though I've spent the majority of my life so far displeased with him, I still want to hear him say it. I want to hear him tell me when he's sober that he loves me. I want to hear him tell me how proud of me he is. I watched a movie tonight, about a boy who lost his father to September 11th. And throughout his journey to reconnect with his lost father, his searching for connections, all to make his father proud. It kept hitting me. Maybe there's still time. Maybe I still have enough time to reconnect. Or maybe more appropriately, to properly connect with him. But. I'm scared. Am I ready to really finish growing up? Am I ready to try for a connection, try to get close, try to let him into my life and heart? Can I handle more than just the one I love in my inner circle? I don't want to spend the rest of my life after he goes wondering what was in his mind and heart for me. Even if it's not in my favor. I want to know if I mean anything to him.
Rayvenica · Wed Sep 12, 2012 @ 04:35am · 0 Comments |