I half way tried to. So many times. But in the end. I let it happen. I fell into a funk, that turned into a hole. It just got bigger, deeper, and darker. And nearly destroyed the one person I care most about in the world.
I'm not proud of it. In fact, I regret it. Quite a lot, to be truthful.
I was bored. No one plays Guild Wars with me anymore. Let's see how much Gaia has changed... MISTAKE! I found myself right back where I was 10 years ago. In three months, I racked up almost 4,000 posts. I was right back to the way I was when I left the first time. Hopeless, lying to myself, and to everyone. And apparently, I crossed the line from friendly to flirty. Without even knowing it. Did I go too far? In a way, yes. I didn't make any armageddon mistakes. I wasn't doing the cyber-nasty. Wasn't seeking relationships, or even friendships. Wasn't waving my d**k around for anyone that's give me the time of day. But I did betray the trust of my soul mate. And for that, I will forever regret coming back here. And standing by, watching myself become everything I hated about myself back then, once more.
I guess... I go where people are. Sure, I could have stayed with Guild Wars. But it's just not the same without people there to talk to. To be friends with. To adventure with. It's not her fault. She's working her a** off to better our lives. She's making something of herself, and I have never been more proud. So, I came here. I started off half an hour or so a day, make a couple posts, get a bit of gold, check out the new items. Turned into an hour a day, 20, 30, 50 posts. Turned into 3 months and 3,600 posts of being an attention whore, and on it every god damn spare second.
This place is a help to someone like me. Who can't find the words, can't find the confidence to talk, and to make friends, online or off. But also, the biggest downfalls I have ever endured. When I take it too far. I put all my time, all my effort, everything I should be offering to her, into this place. Where I find it easier to make up an entire personality, lie to get people to like me, lie for attention. Until I'm so far gone offline, I almost lose everything. And I'm so far gone online, that there isn't a shred of me left in the persona I've made.
So, this is how it will be. I have my quest thread. I have the games, switchem, jigsaw, blackjack, slots. And that's all I'll have. I will not be an anon, I will not venture outside of my quest thread. I will not be fake, will not lie about any part of myself. I'll see how that goes, if I see myself slipping again, I'm just going to leave, and be done with this place for good. Because I know, the more I wander here, the further I drift from everyone and everything I care about.
Rayvenica · Tue Apr 28, 2015 @ 07:44pm · 0 Comments |