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If there is one thing I've learned from being the indifferent guy who seems to care.
It's that covering up what you're not feeling with what you're supposed to works.
In other words I'm a good actor.
In other words I'm a great liar.
In other words I lie to myself all the time.
In other words I've probably lied to everyone at least once.
In other words who knows if the feeling I'm showing is real
In other words I can't say I'm a man of my word.
I still will.
I still wish it to be true.
I gotta say I'm pretty positive.
At least it seems that way.
I've gotta say without therapy it seems I'm the only one picking through my mind.
It feels fantastic.
At least I make it seem that way.
You could ask me where my little lies end, the big ones begin, or what's true.
Honestly at this point I can't say I rightly know.
Spend enough time pretending and who knows what's real.
Am I cracking from my own pressure right now?
Are all the different personalities I've made up catching up?
Am I just seeing these things because of the lack of sleep.
As always I'd like to point to consciences.
If I bring those up I have a free range, because I don't know what's right.
At least that's how most people view it.
Can you tell I'm smiling?
Of course you can't.
It's not your fault it.
I'm smiling on the inside.
I'm pleased with myself right now.
I'm lonely, but that's because I choose to be.
I've been making my own choices.
I've lead myself to this path.
Where I am now.
What I'm doing.
What I'm typing.
Who I'm missing.
Who I want to hold in my arms.
It's all lost in the transmission my consciousness sends to my body.
Who I am, and what I've done.
Stop...
Today wouldn't be such a bad day to die.
I cleaned my house.
My family just left.
I made tacos for when they come back.
Who's to say I don't do something dreadful.
I could just run.
Run and hope for the best.
Keep running from my demons, because everyone has them.
Even if I learned to stop caring.
Even if I learned to forget.
I still have demons.
They're out there.
They're catching up.
I suppose I might sound a little crazy right now.
I haven't been drinking I promise.
I haven't taken any painkillers today either.
I can feel my blood moving.
The walls are vibrating.
The ants are crawling on me.
Tick tick tick tick tick.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
If enough gas filled a house from cooking a simple spark can make it go boom.
We play with our lives everyday it's a wonder the population is so high.
......
If the world could just stop for a moment.
If I had a second to think things out without anymore wasted time.
Would it actually effect anything?
I'm covered in bug bites.
There's cuts here too.
That could be from the constant scratching though.
It's probably a good thing I picked up a nail biting habit.
My nose is bleeding.
I don't know if it's real or not though.
Damn these moments.
It'll be over soon.
I'll calm down.
I just need to breathe.
I just need to ignore the pain.
It's not hot in here, I keep it freezing.
The world isn't speeding up I am.
I just want it to slow down.
The things I ask for never happen.
I'm getting ahead of myself even now.
I really must watch what I say.
Who am I really?
That's a dumb question.
I know I'm really here somewhere.
Just breathe.
I'm breaking out in hives.
I wish I could just verbalize my actual feelings.
Sometimes when I say things I tend to tone it down a bit.
Either that or it's a full blown lie.
I keep lying.
It's all I ever do.
People only hurt.
I do it so I know other people do it too.
We're all bad people.
People only do good deeds for themselves.
At least I'm honest.
I'm honest.
I'm lying to myself again.
It's fine.
I'm honest with a few people.
By few I mean one.
My inner circle isn't really a circle.
More like a point.
She got lucky honestly, or maybe I should just open up more.
Naaah..
I don't need to give more people ammunition should they decide to destroy.
Maybe I'm just a sociopath with paranoid schizophrenia.
Seeing things that aren't really there.
I only know how to be me.
It's over.
I feel fine.
Apologies.
The product of over thinking and my need to be able to remember. Right in front of your viewing eyes.
Of course if I decide it's not worth remembering like the many journals I've had this will be destroyed.

"Don’t speak. Let me think, or, rather, let me try not to think."