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I look around for you in the dark....
Ugh, I type this as the baby fills a diaper for me. Pleasant.
I don't mind it. Anything involving Motherhood, I don't mind. I enjoy my kid.
But it is one of those things that you never really know what someone is talking about until you actually have kids.
Like, I never understood how deep of a bond you could develop. It's amazingly powerful.
I have become such a crybaby. Like it seems like anything can make me cry. I don't like it.
I freak out a lot more, too. Like whenever S.O. traps me, I start hyperventilating, and just losing it. I don't like for him to touch me. He reminds me of my dad.
I'm upset at myself for not seeing the signs. THEY WERE SO ******** OBVIOUS Like, I literally pointed them out all the time.
But I don't know what I was thinking........ So dumb. I just want out. I hate having my baby taken away from me, or blocked away from me while she's screaming, or to be pinned on the floor, being restrained, while she's crying or even in the room.
It makes me so upset. But I can't leave, and that makes me more upset.
I feel like my mom, stuck for years with my dad, unable to leave.
I wonder if that means I'm going to be waiting for that special someone to come and help save me.
Pssh, I doubt it. No one wants to be with a woman who kid is not his.
I love my baby, I'm glad I have her. I'm just not happy with her father. :/ And that's awful.
So mymom said the other day. "I wish you would get back with him. I really like him" Oh, how I was crushed.
I mean, I already know I don't like S.O. And it's already hard. But then to mention that one person again.
Uggghhh... If only I could tell.
I mean, I super fail bomb nuclear war'd that s**t til there aren't even ashes left to remain. I blew that up hardcore. And I'm still paying for it.
I never realized how much he meant, I guess.
Ugh, the literal cliche of you never know what you have... Man.... :/
Just like I'm listening to Aerodone's Don't Speak Up I thought I related to the lyrics then.
BOY, CAN I TELL YOU. Those lyrics hit really close to home, now.
I just don't know what I'm going to do. I want someone to talk to to show affection to. Someone who will accept all of me. And my ridiculousness And my baby.
Someone who drives, So I can finally be spoiled for once, and stay in the passenger seat.
I just want to be spoiled. sad
Secretly, I just want A LOT of things. :/
Well, I'm working toward it.
I talked to SDS guy again. MAN. Just. Ugh. I want to be friends with him really really badly.
Like, I want him in my world.
But I'm too afraid to talk to him. "Don'tSitWhereYouEat"
..................... Killing me.
I am just so....
Done.
.... Only to realize I created this lonely darkness.
Vanyaphaerelle · Fri Dec 20, 2013 @ 01:58am · 0 Comments |
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