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so yeah its been a while. so much has hapened. Well, i did end up talking to deedee and everythings ok now. and guess what hapened with me and jeff on Cinco de Mayo yesterday? we ended up kissing again. It felt so good to feel his kisss again, it felt sooo good to by lying there on the bed with him (dont worry we were fully clothed) with my head rested on his shouhlder and his hand entwined with mine...

two hours earlier...

So after days of planing the 6 of us (me jeff casey nuno deedee and jessie) all go to my house and swim in my pool. Then after we dry off we all walked down to Nuno's house and was supposed to watch a movie but Nuno and Jessie (who are benefriends) go into Nuno's room and start making out and taking off da cloths. Then Casey and Deedee go into another room and make out and stuff. So me and my ex Jeff are sitting there and we were buzzed off of some shots that we took of some Gin. We were giggling and chasing eachother around the house and tickling eachother. We were flirting with eachother big time and it was so much fun. Then we're sitting on the couch and Jeff and I are holding hands. I forgot how it started but Jeff and i started having our much needed talk. It was time and somehow we just started talking about our feelings with eachother and the real reason why he broke up with me. Turns out he had just fallen out of love with me. He broke up with me even tho he stil loved me cuz he knew it wasnt going to be good if he just stayed with me anyway and was falling out of it for me at the same time. It wouldnt be fair to me nor him.

So then we end up going into the garage and talk some more then everyone else goes into the garage so me and Jeff move to Nunos to talk in private. Finally after we were done talking about why he broke up with me we talked about our feelings after. Turns out we both felt like there was some unfinished buisness and something was missing. And he said, "Well this is what we're doing right here, haha this is like therapy, finally we are having this much needed talk" i was like, "Yeah, but idk, do u still to this day feel like theres unfinished buisness with us? be honest and ill be honest with u" then after a moment of silence he leans over and kisses me. when we break apart i said, "So is that a yes" and he smiles and leans over and kisses me again" then we hear giggling from the outside of nuno's window and turns out jessie deedee and casey and nuno were watching us the hwole time. haha, so after we chase them away we get back on Nunos bed. It felt so good to feel his kisss again, it felt sooo good to by lying there on the bed with him (dont worry we were fully clothed) with my head rested on his shouhlder and his hand entwined with mine..

but then after a moment of holding his hand i asked, "So what does this mean then? for us i mean... are we back together?" and then he sighs and gets really silent and wouldnt give me a straight answer. "Are you serious?!" i ask enraged. He kissed me and held my hand like he still cared for me and he wasnt even planing on getting back with me! wtf was this all about?!? Then Jessie comes through the door to say something and i rush out crying my eyes out. The six of us end up in the garage and casey and nuno are talking to jeff about him getting back with me.

I went outside and was crying to jessie shouting, "Why th f*ck is he doing this to me?!? hes just playing with me wtf?!?!" i felt sick and betrayed and played all over again. Then Jessie leaves and jeff comes over and i shout at him saying, "Dont talk to me i ******** hate you!!" so then he goes away then deedee comes out and im crying so hard.
after everything calms down i said i wanted jeff to come back out. so he does and he tells me, "Look, I honestly seriosuly still care about you, I really do, buti just dont see us back together, we'll just end up breaking up with eachother for the same reasons and weather its now or two months later you'll end up like this. Hurt; and i cant stand to see you hurt. I want to really make u happy and i kno getting back together will make you happy but i cant, im really sorry."
"Then what the hell was that for huh?!?" i said pointing at Nunos window "You dont play with peoples feelings like this! thats cruel, why did kiss me if u had no intention of getting back with me?!?" he said, "Honestly...i dont know...i really dont know...i guess cuz im retarded...im really sorry, finally we were talking and were begining to understand eachother, and i had to go a screw it up like that, im so sorry, its just.. i worry about u sometimes,"
"You dont need to jeff"
"But I do, i really do, even tho i dont see us together i really care about u and I dont like to see you hurt"

In the end we decided to just be friends and nothing more. We finally spilled out feelings for eachother and had that much needed talk. After that i was in nunos room with jessie and i said, "You know what? I honestly think that im never going to cry over him anymore, he gave me the closure i needed and now that i know exactly where we stan then i can finally move on. " so there ya go, im finally unheartbroken. ooohhh it feels soooo good to not be heartbroken anymore, it feels so good to be complete and not wake up anymore and live on the day with an emptiness inside of me. My life is finally complete without him again. I kno sometime in the future there will still be some things that will still sting, but not even half as much as it would've before yesterday. cuz u cant just turn off ur feelings to someone, but Im finally okay now, now me and Jeff are just friends nothing more. Our memories of when we were going out will always be there, we'll always remember them and remember we were the person we gave our virginities to. but we're okay now. Just friends. FINALLY!!!! im not hurting anymore!!! ffinally!!!