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I feel like an asshat. I was awake for over 30 hours playing video games and hanging out in the lounge with my friends all weekend. I purposly left my cell phone in my room because I didnt want it to ring and disturb me. When I finally got back (I'm tired as ********) I see that I have 6+ messages on my phone. I make the casual joke: "Eh, ******** it. If someone died, they'll call back."

Someday the assholes of the world will unite and build a statue of me. My grandmother passed away this morning. She was on morphine after she was haveing breathing problems. Her lungs were filling up with fluid and be basically drowned in her own flem and puke. She was so drugged up we dont think she felt anything or knew what was happeneing. My mother is a complete wreck. My cousins as well. They all tried to get ahold of me.

While she was still able to talk and speak, she was with my mother. She even had enough strength to laugh. "I wish I had some more ice-cream..." She loved the stuff. Vanilla was her favorite. My Mother held her up in bed and spoon fed her ice-cream as a last meal. 2 hours later she started to fade, and then was gone.

It kills me that I'm stuck over here in Japan with this stuff going on. I'll miss the funeral and everything. I know my grandmother wanted me to be there for her. She was proud of me and always asked. I can't be there now. I wasnt there at the end. I prayed that she would last until I was able to come home and see her. I was going to take care of her. Take her out and do things to cheer her up. Her favorite game was to take me to the other older ladies in the hospital and brag about me. She had the same humor as I do.

I'm going to miss her. My life feels a little more empty without her here now, but I still love her. I'll keep working as always and do my best. I'll be the same Jodo as always for her.

I can't even cry... the shock... I dont even know.

I wish I was home. crying