Reflecting back upon this last year, a lot has happened. At the same time I believe I can honestly say, that in the 20 years I've been alive, 2006 has been both my best and my worst year. I'll attempt to explain this:
Worst year:
Starting not too long into the year (late January), the love of my life, Dan, broke up with me. It was horrendous. I had just gone back to college, and I was all alone, almost 1,000 miles away from home. I had one friend, who had still not shown back up yet, and I got the call. We had talked for about half an hour before anything was even said. However, when I went to hang up (there were a lot of long silences) he told me to wait, and that's when he said it. He was no longer in love with me, and thought that it would be for the best if we broke up. I lost it crying.
This summer I moved back to my home town, and lived with my cousin. She lived about half a block from Dan, whom I was not as over as I thought I was. Summer for me was absolutely terrible. I got absolutely drunk (not my favorite memory). I also started cutting, seeing a counselor (again), and a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist I recently stopped seeing due to what I believe is a lack of professionalism (she uses too much guess-work). The counselor believed that it was more important to focus on my past troubles than on what was bothering me in the present. Needless to say, that brought up a dozen or so unwanted memories that didn't help my mood either. The psychiatrist kept switching my meds (because they never worked), upping dosages, etc. Through this process my cutting got worse (mid-August through September, beginning of October).
In mid-August I moved 2 hours away from home to live with my grandma and aunt while I attended a community college. The community college work focused more on test scores than writing, which is the opposite of what I had been used to from my first year of college in Minnesota. My grades were usually always on the line, so I was rather relieved when I passed all of my classes (I usually strive for no lower than a B). Adding onto stress from school, there were health problems on both sides of my family. My uncle (who partially lived with us) died early on in October. I missed work and school for the funeral. The next week (basically as soon as I had gotten back to school), I traveled down to Kansas with my dad and his sister to see my grandmother, who had been hospitalized due to some lung disease, causing me to miss more work and school. I traveled again the next weekend, only not because of family illness. It was an escape for me. I traveled up to St. Paul, MN to visit all of my friends. One had a band concert, one had a play, and the others I missed dearly. It was a well needed vacation, but I once again missed more work and school.
Best Year:
Not long after Dan broke up with me in late January (I was still crying, on the phone with him), my friend Bridget came into my room. I told her I'd be down in her room before too long, finished my conversation with Dan (to no good for me), and ran down the hallway, three doors down, to Bridget's room. I was still crying, eyes bloodshot, so it didn't take a genius to know something was upsetting me. I told her what had happened, and I can truly say, she saved my life for the first time in our short friendship. There were many more times she has done this. Most without even knowing so.
Bridget introduced me to Tiffany, who introduced me to Marika, who introduced me to Patrick. Bridget also introduced me to Kat and Martha. Although Tiffany and I have had a falling out since all this, I am still close with all the others. In fact, Patrick and I are in a relationship right now, and plan to make it more intimate when I move back up to Minnesota this summer.
Never in my 20 years of life have I had a year full of so many ups and downs. In many ways this was my worst year ever, but in the same way, it has been my best. I've never before had so many close friends whom I can count on in a bind, and had Dan not broken up with me, I would have never had this relationship with Patrick. Patrick considers himself to be the lucky one, and by far undeserving of "someone so great". I consider the opposite to be true: What have I done in my life to deserve someone who cares so much about me? What have I done to deserve the love of a man who has been beaten down by all he's loved before? I suppose it's one of those things he and I will always disagree on, for we both consider ourselves unworthy of the other's love.
The year 2006 is quickly coming to an end, the year 2007 fast approaching. In this short bind between semesters, money is tight and I'm stressing over how to afford next semester's books and tuition. However, I'm also very hopeful for what 2007 is bringing. A new home in the summer, a new school in the fall, a new life altogether. I can survive the spring semester, for I know it will bring me closer to all that I love. I can survive the tight money, the stress of moving and finding an apartment, but when I cuddle up with Patrick for the first night we're at our apartment, I know that it will have all been worth it. For nothing surpasses the love I have for my friends, and the love they have for me. heart
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A Look Inside the Mind of a Lost Angel
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