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Greetings from your favourite teenage rock star.
In order to feed my appetite for delusions of grandeur, I've decided it is once again cool to live off coffee, cigarettes and diet pills.
The anime fad is slowly dying, and with it we can only hope the trend of white kids trying to absorb the asian hype by downing mass amounts of rice and ramen will decay as well. Remember boys and girls, these people have been eating those kinds of foods for centuries. It's ingrained into their genetic codes. You know what's in ours?
Red meat so bloody there should be an R rating just to see it, and good old artery clogging fat.
You're just not built for consuming nothing but rice and ramen. So put down those chopsticks, take off that ninja headband, turn off Inuyasha and invest in a steak.
And if you're going to try and shove a cork up the a** of evolution anyways and not eat what you were made to eat, why not do it with caffeine and nicotine? You may starve yourself, but you'll go crazy, and after all, in today's society of disturbed and tragic youth, you're not in with the "In" crowd unless you're a basket case.
So, here's a diet plan that not only will send you crashing beautifully into anorexia, but will also put you in with all the cool kids as you develop an air of paranoia and depression, which with careful nurturing can transform the old you into a new, skinnier, trendier psychotic.
ASHLEY'S GUARANTEED DIET PLAN:
(DISCLAIMER: Not guaranteed to work. Following this diet may lead to death, mental instability or homosexuality. If you're stupid enough to take this seriously, you need to be shot. Repeatedly.)
DAILY PLAN:
Breakfast:
-3 diarrhea inducing diet pills, chased by 3 cups of coffee.
-Half a pack of cigarettes.
-1 quarter tube of toothpaste secretly eaten while hiding behind the shower curtain.
Mid-Morning Exercises:
-Stretch facial muscles by practising melancholy looks in the mirror.
-Work your upper body by throwing up the toothpaste.
-Tone your lower body by creating an interpretive dance outlining the many atrocities of your young life, such as having to walk the dog or clean your room.
Lunch:
-Another handful of diarrhea diet pills.
-If in public, swallow one or two tic-tacs whole with a glass of water and whisper loudly to everyone around you that it's your "medication."
-Chain smoke 5 cigarettes, preferably while discussing your traumatic past with a stranger via their Myspace comment box.
-4 More cups of coffee.
Mid-Afternoon Exercises:
-Walk to the store to buy more cigarettes.
-Don't forget to exercise your mind too! Spend an hour staring in the mirror and telling yourself how utterly unique you are. If you get tired of lying, take this time to do your hair.
-Limber up you hands and wrists by writing some deep and meaningful song lyrics about that person you were totally in love with last week...until you found out they didn't have a Myspace.
Dinner:
-2 cups of coffee to combat your violent trembling, caused by not being able to get on the internet.
-1 whole pack of cigarettes as you swear at the computer and wait for the technician to fix the problem.
-The letters "F", "G" and "H" after diving for the now fixed computer and smashing your face on the keyboard.
Evening Exercises:
-Cutting is a great way to make new friends and gain popularity. So grab your favourite Hello Kitty razor blade and start practising those slashing movements!
-Give yourself a thorough workout by doing the potty dance when those diarrhea pills finally kick in. Watch out for undigested keyboard keys.
-Masturbate in a dark corner. Try to cry as you're doing so, it'll make you look more disturbed.
FOLLOW REGIME DAILY UNTIL THIN AND NEUROTIC.
In my own rambling and half assed way, I'm trying to make the point that if you're going to follow one stupid lifestyle trend, you may as well follow them all. So go ahead and speak 1337 and call me a "bish" and pretend you've got a tail, you asian wannabe. But don't be surprised when I also assume you'll go anorexic just for attention, base your life around Myspace, or pretend to be mentally disturbed. Because if you're dumb enough to drown yourself in the chlorine treated waters of one trend, it's only a matter of time before you jump into the next pool over. And I hope that one's filled with electric eels and bleach.
NEXT.
-Ashley.
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