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Everyday this week ive been working insane hours. And it will only continue. I work from 5am, till 9pm. Im also very drunk as I write this. Lets see how far i can go. What better time to reflect, then when drinking and enjoying a cigarette. Keeps the edge off.

So, Im pretty tired. From work. And from emotional stuff that just seems to build. A friend I work with got put into the hospital last night. He got jumped while at a bar. He never had a chance. I havent seen him yet, but I will tommorow depending on how I feel. Also, Looks like I prolly wont be able to go to PAX in august. I really wanted to go and hopefully see my firneds up there. Speaking of which, I dont know if its because im offline a lot more now or what, but they all seem to never want to talk. I wouldnt be surprised if it was me or something. Im kind of an a*****e. Least in real life. But I doubt anyone knows that so, whatever. So, here I am sitting in front of my computer. Complaining to an internet world. One that I dont seem to get along with anymore. Which is funny to me in a sick way because, I opbviously dont fit in this real world either. As I look around, I can kind of tell what a shitty deal I have and what im going to get. It makes me wish I wasnt even here. GOD, what a depressing world. Seriously, just think about it. What a negative, uncareing world. But of course, I care for everyone else. Thats the way I am. I guess even the perfect a*****e like myself can have flaws to an extent.

I Find it ironic. This life I have. How I try to make every other persons as perfect as I can. I but my life, my blood, sweat, and tears into it. My SOUL. And Somedays It helps. And I feel proud. Happy even, for a tiny moment. But always I feel that sadness of knowing that I really cant do anything for anyone, not even myself. What kind of man am I? I've tried to define it, and come up with nothing. Im going to hell. For being so uncareing. So mixed up in my life. I cant help but sit here and shed a tear. I wonder when I can have the type of life I help others build. Im such a greddy ********, but still all I want is mine. My life. My soul. Do I even have a soul? I doubt it. All I can remember is pain ever since I was a kid. The parents fighting. Getting beatings intended for my sister, too fragile to protect herself. Or an a** kicking for my brothers, too young to understand. No one understands what I go through everyday. I dont understand it myself. The tourture I endure. I wear my scars, but no one cans ee them. All but one is on the inside. You can tell in the pictures, but I do have such a scar. And its obvious as well. I see it when I shave, when I brush my teeth. I see people look at it. They ask too. What can I tell them. Do they want to hear the truth? No. Why would they. The scar on my face, just above the cheek bone and below the eye. 1/2 an inch long. Half and inch... but miles of internal scars.

I hate the way I feel. Always mixed up. If I werent so cunning and quick witted most of the time, I'd most likely have a much harder time in life. But wits dont fix problems like this. Ive tried. Hell, everyone has tried.

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