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Its true that I dont try in many of my persuits anymore. I find it hard to care. I dont really have that passionate flair for going after the things I want anymore. It seems like whenever I chase something I want I either drive it away, or get hurt badly.

Like women. I have nothing to offer a woman that would make them interested. No money, no personality, nothing. My humor and wit have left me a long time ago. Just look at when I first came to Gaia, and compare that to now. Its like a different person. Sometimes when Im chasing a dream, or a girl... it can seem so right. The words come to mind, I know what to say, what to do... but I get that feeling inside of me that says 'Why bother craig. This thing that your chasing... it wont be yours." And I listen. I know its true. I look back on past relationships and dreams and shudder. Women wanting to date me, and I agree... only to have them cheat, steal, and do things that should never be done to any human being. I watched a best friends life crumble when his girlfriend killed herself. I watched as he began to go down the same path, blaming himself. There was a time when I was the same way. I wished for death. He and I both did.

The only thing worse that wishing for death, is not getting what you wish for. Amy saw what was in my heart and instead of talking to me or Jim about it... she told. For 5 long years after that I didnt have a life. Medication was my only friend. And through it all I still had to watch my friend cut, maim, and destroy his life. I havent seen him in 3 years. He might be dead. I wouldnt know.

Sometimes trying for something is just not enough. Wishing, and all that just dont cut it. And you just give up. People have been here before, on the rock bottom of everything, looking up and dreaming of a brighter day. Of seeing the sun again. Many pick themselves up and begin again. But what goes up must come down. That is a simple law of the world. And still they get up and try again. But what of those of us who know the world for what it is. Those of us who dont shovel bullshit, but instead look upon it and wonder: Why? Whats the point of all the maddness.

Im a hate filled and bitter man. Years of being beaten by a drunk mother and her boyfriend have made me into what I am today. I have a compasionate side. A side that cares and would do anything for the ones I care about. But when I cant care about myself anymore... When I dont kno what it means to care anymore... How do I give the love and devotion that I once had? I dont see a way. I try to put on a smile, tell a joke, help... but it doesnt seem right. Its all hollow to me. Its true when I say im dead inside. I dont kno whow to feel much of anything except pain at the moment. Pain, anger, hate, rage... all the negative sides of emotion seem to just leak out of me. Im the human Hate Machine. Something that I brag about to friends, but deep down I know is wrong.

I feel like I've gone completely insane. Liek I cant control my actions. I find myself laughing at things that make no sense. Crying when there is no reason to cry. Even know I shed my silent tears. Because I know that if someone were to hear them, I would break apart and shatter completely.

So I sit, stareing into my own self made reflecting pool. Its warped images feed my scared mind things. I almost feel like doing something evil. But that I could never act on. Instead that feeling builds until I find my release.

I see my mother alcoholism in me. I drink to forget my friends and family. Something no sane person would do, but for me it makes a twisted sort of sense. After all, if I drink them away... they must not exist. And I'd hate for any of you to see what I really am. Though, your not really here with me right now anyways. Im just a guy on the net, and your just words being sent through the net back at me. None of us are real in a sense.