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What can I say? It's been a year and I still find myself coming here when life hits me a little too hard. Probably cause it's the only place I can say how I'm really feeling without having to worry about judgement, or insult, or any of that s**t. Probably cause nobody reads this. But anyway, it's been a little over a year and so much has changed, and yet at the same time nothing has. She's got a new guy, and I find myself addicted to her as always, and she knows it too, and she allows it, and I believe that somewhere maybe not so deep down, she enjoys it. Whatever, I get to continue to have my sad, pathetic little dreams of one day getting her back, of being her knight in shining armor or whatever, and she gets...I dunno, a guy that's always gonna be there for her, a guy that buys her expensive things when he can, compliments her all the time, and has never stopped loving her. Only something inside of me is sick of the cycle, it's sick of being jerked around with the phrase "Not now, but who knows about later? I love you, but we can't be together right now." So somewhere inside me, some part of me is screaming at the other pathetic parts, it's asking why I'm so addicted to her, why I need her when she clearly doesn't need me, at least not in the same way. So it says enough of this crap, enough trying to be who you THINK she wants you to be, enough of these fronts you put on for the world, it's time for this s**t to be over. So here I am, trying to break down all of those wonderful walls that I've painted over and over again with lies, with little pictures of who I think I should be, and I'm exposing who I am. I don't give a ******** anymore, I'm gonna be honest, with others and especially with myself. So that little part in me is back, he's rising up and taking control of the damn life. Of course, no part of me is completely without feelings for her, not even that logical, strong part of me, so I've come to the decision that it's ultimatum time. I'm gonna be me, and only me, and I'm gonna try one last time. At least if she rejects me now, it's me she rejected, no one else, just me. And that means that maybe it isn't meant to be, if she can't fully and completely love me for who I am, then it's time to stop waiting, time to stop trying. But still, I find myself hoping to GOD this goes well, because I say I'm addicted to her, but at the same time it's not just an addiction, I really do love her, I love her with all my heart, and if she turns me down, just cause I know what I have to do doesn't mean it's gonna be easy. I'm hoping this goes well, so if there's anybody reading this, please, wish me luck, and if she's reading this... I love you. And whatever you've decided, I respect that. Bye everybody. Thanks for taking the time to read my problems.
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