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Yesterday I was so angry and frustrated, but after listening to music and just thinking about it, I found it all to be silly. Ryu sent me an email about a week ago talking about the ceremony and I barely read it. Then yesterday I reread it and found out that he was sending it to be polite but at the same time request for me not to come. And I replied saying I understand where he was coming from, but it was rude. Well his reply was not so pretty. It made me think that he is so upset it gave him a mindset in which he would finally move on from me, or that he found someone new, who would happen to go to the funeral with him. Well I didn't reply back and I'm glad I didn't. It's better that I shut up for a while.
Then on the other hand I am in major need of girl talk. Yes I can talk to my sister, but I want an outsider to speak with. I'm talking about my supposed bff, yet she won't answer phone calls. This journal is not the same as a human being but it will have to do.
Here it goes.
I'm stressed. I'm stressed about what if I don't make this program. That I don't catch on to things and I become this epic failure of a person. Then there is the stress of being alone. No friends and my attempt of not doing something stupid, such as settling for idiots. Ryu is officially out of the picture. (that email was a great reminder to stay away) Also the firefighter who wants friendship and that reply back has not happened. I'm a smart girl and following my instincts make me miserable then I will have to live with it. So far my instincts have kept me safe and in the end those guys have proven incapable of being what I want. In short terms, what I need.
What I need is a man who is kind, who will keep me on track, which I will do the same for, a man who will make me laugh and forget what's bothering me. I think I want someone adventurous. So that I won't always be in my safe bubble.
Until next time.