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So, I posted last roughly a year ago...
Well, in the time of this year I don't really remember what happened all the way, but I know the more recent stuff, and I remember that pretty vividly. Well, to catch up briefly on the relevant subject... At Katy's(Name changed to save any embaresment) most recent party I got a little more introduced to the WHIPs(Wandering Homeschoolers in Portland). Among them is Everett. He's the pivoting point for the current drama.
Well, recently I went up to mount hood for a nice vacation. We were in a ski cabin, all away from civilization, nice and cozy. Well, Everett, Clayton(his brother) and Dimitri(another WHIP) all came up and spent the night. Just the night before Clare(Name changed to save any embarresment) had confessed to me that she had a crush on Everett.
(A quick note here. I was having dreams after they showed up. The first night I slept after the WHIPs got there I started having the dreams**)
We were all out that night asking circle questions* when the fateful question arose. 'Do you have a crush on anyone in this circle?' Well, Everett did. Everett briefly - very briefly - toyed with the idea of not saying whom it was on, but instead he actually said the name. My name. For the first time in my life I was completely at a loss for words. I didn't know how to react at all. Thankfully Katy saved me from that embarresment by starting a new topic - she was the only one who caught my lack of knowledge of how to continue, and rescued me. Well, anyway, I thought it was unrequieted, but I was interested in trying it because I'd never had that kind of relationship. Well, I've now heard more and more reports of his crush, and it's sweet.
Well, my mom had the sudden idea to invite the WHIPs monthly dance that we host, and I likeld the idea, because Everett, Clayton and Dimitri actually are cool guys, and I like to talk to them because they're fun. Well, I think I didn't realize how attatched I'd grown to the idea over the day. I knew the moment I'd heard it that it wasn't going to happen, but I got my hopes up, and up, and up finding reasons that it could would, in more and more likelyhood. Well, as you may have guessed, they didn't show. They probably didn't even get the messege by now. But I can't beleive how crushed it felt like my spirits were by the fact that he wasn't there...
I thought I didn't have a crush, but I think I've discovered that it's requited. I got home, hoping to find a surprise with them there, and I liked that idea, but I can't think why they would have done that.
I find my heart is heavier than it was this morning. I think it's time to admit that I'm actually attracted to Everett, and I am positive that the dream I had was of him. I can't beleive I feel so strongly so easily, and I want to learn more about this feeling. My mother has often warned me against diving headfirst, so I'm going to have to set aside responcibility to confer with Katy until I'm steadfast. I don't really know how to continue, but I think I want to.
After the dance I felt like crying, but I won't let people see, and I haven't been alone, so I haven't gotten that cry. I wonder if they'll be good or bad tears.
*The circle questions, for people who aren't farmilliar with the concept, are simply. Pretty much people make a circle, and then one person asks a question. Everyone in the circle answers the question, ignoring any feeling of cheeziness, any shyness, and just answering the question to the best of their ability.
**Dream one was a recuring nightmare. So, the deal is that is starts out I'm in the dark. I'm entirely alone, in a dark, shapeless place. Very, very alone. There's a finger crawling up and down my spine, but everytime I turn around it simply follows, and I can't find whoever it is. It feels creepy. In my ear Everett is whispering 'sing for absolution' into my ear, though it's low tone, with the bass turned up so high that I feel it vibrate in my bones more than I actually hear it. I can't see anything, I can't see anyone, and I'm so alone. I call out to someone. All my friends just call back to me and say, 'Shut up! You're being too loud!' or 'Just be quiet!' but nothing soothing, or comforting. I want to cry, I feel abandonned, trapped, alone, and I want to cry out even more, even though they tell me to stop. Then Clare came up to me, and kisses me, and as I look into her eyes I feel so scared, and so, so guilty. Then I wake up, afraid of everything just for a moment.
I had that dream three nights in a row before I had the next dream...
I'm looking out over the snow. I smile, though I'm all alone. I'm happy, but not as happy as I could be. Then I close my eyes, and arms wrap around me, hugging me closely from behind, and someone whispers, 'It's all right, you're not alone,' to me. Suddenly my heart swells, and my limbs feel too weak to hold me up. I lean into the hug, and the person hugging me leans back so that I'm laying on them, wrapped in warmth, wrapped in them, and there's a bubling happy feeling in my stomach, causing me to tingle all over. And the person his stroking my hair, and breathing on my face as I lay on them, feeling their chest rise and fall under me. It's really soothing. I've come to the realization that... I'm pretty sure it's Everett, as hard as that is to admit.
The only problem is that I'm worried about advancing. I'm terrified that I'm going to overstep the bounds I've set, and I'me going to hurt Clare. Clare is a dear friend of mine, and if I hurt her because of Everett I will never be able to forgive myself. I desperately need my friendship with her and Katy, and if I loose either of them then I don't know what I would do. I guess it would be the second time in my life I would be at a complete loss for words.
I think that may be all the drama I have for now. I needed to get that out, because I felt too low thinking about it, and now I feel less oblidged to remember it, so I'm going to try and forget it for now.
Sock God Ghetto Style · Sat Feb 10, 2007 @ 06:10am · 0 Comments |
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