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Perhaps I've contracted some kind of condition that makes me unhappy all the time. I've never used this thing three times in a row.
Well, today I woke up extremely unhappy, and late so that I had to rush to get ready and head to work.
Then, at work, I had to be on register all day, being the first on call. I hate register. Then, after that, I was actually happy. I felt good. It felt like suddenly I could understand things, and I was happy, and the thought of seeing Everett at the upcoming event was a blessing rather than a burden, and I realized that if Clare was going to ask, she'd ask reguardless, and all I could do to be supportive was stay true to my word. Then... I came up sixty dolars short on my register. What a way to kill the ********' good mood. Now I'm so depressed and angry at myself I feel like I can't think straight. I hate getting things wrong, even just a little, and I really hate getting things not just a little wrong. Sixty ******** dolars short!
I'm coming to the realization that maybe it's not my fault. Maybe Roz or Shafina or even Katie(not the friend, but the manager who I work with) messed up, because they all used my register too. Roz for the better part of a few hours. So maybe it's not my fault, and maybe it is. That doesn't really make me feel better, though. I really want to talk to Katy, because currently she's acting as my voice of reason, since I have practically silenced mine.
Ugh, I wish I were happy. I wish someone were here to say all the right things to make me feel good about myself and to see right through my acts and walls. I want to have someone right next to me, telling my what I want to hear, then proving to me that it's all true. That's what I want. I'll never get that though. The things I want to hear aren't true, and whoever I would think was good enough would probably be too good for me. Life is cruel...
I nearly cried in the car, on the way home from work, but I knew if I started crying I'd never be able to stop, so I didn't cry. Once again, I didn't cry.
I was listening to the music playing at work, and it occoured to me. When ever anyone asked me 'what's the song that best describes your current relationship?' I never really had an answer, yet something about 'Dissapear' by Buddahead seemed to fit. Now, I think it's more like 'Brighter than sunshine' by Aqualung. I don't really understnad why, though, since I don't even have a relationship with anyone. Yet. I think I've convinced myself that it's going to happen, especially if I don't fight back.
I think that's all for now. DAMN THAT CURSED MISSING SIXTY!
Okay... That's really all.
Nevermind, I came back to edit in some more.
Something has occored to me. I don't understand how or when the began happening, but it's at the point where I think it'll be very hard to undo. I don't talk about my emotions, or think about them with my family. I don't understand how this has happened. It's like there's this whole other me that I don't share with my sister, and my mother. I can't believe it.
I'm going to make this viewable. I'm going to make this my first step to indoing the evil of hiding from my family. I'm going to allow them to help me if they can, instead of running from them.
Sock God Ghetto Style · Mon Feb 12, 2007 @ 04:06am · 0 Comments |
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