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I am so embaressed.
I can't beleive I simply went into such an awful rant without consideration. I'm either not in a good mood, or my sleepieness is more prominent than I thought this morning.
I started out rudely telling Nicole that pretty much, she was wrong, and she and her parents were being stupid. What the hell posesed me to be so stupid? I love Nicole. She's often not of the same oppinion than I am, but I pride myself on being open to the oppinions of others, and being accepting of them, even if I dissagree wildly.
So, even if they had been wrong, I shouldn't have been so rude about it. But they weren't wrong. They were fine. I'm just being an idiot, and percieving things wrong, and projecting my own issues, and dislikes about the world onto Nicole's younger brothers. Why the hell did I do that?
I hate it when I get things like that wrong. What I totally wrong there? Is it really all me? I would be lying if I said I beleive that all the way, but I bet it's more my problem than it is Caspian or Korin's behavior.
Ugh, what an a** I've made of myself. Just going off on her, and being rude like that? What the hell is wrong with me? In no way did she deserve that, and in no way did anyone deserve it, in fact. That rant should have been for someone I was totally sure had done that, rather than someone I suspected.
God damn it! I can't beleive that I was so rude, and so awful to her. She may have accepted my apology, but I was still so terrible there that I would be surprised if she really forgives me. I mean, after something like that just being thrown at her, I certainly wouldn't blame her for it. I think I'd better give her a little room, lest I accedentally go in the mode where I feel like I need to defend my views, and actually get angry back... What an idiot I am!!
The thing I did pretty much boils down to my own issues. You've all heard several times, no doubt, that people should be nicer to women? Right? Well, I hate that. I hate it to such a degree that I'm likely to project part of that hate onto the people who are nicer to women because they've been told to be all their lives. The only thing I see when they're nice to me is, 'because you're a girl'. I watch as people are nice, because I'm a girl, and all I think it, they don't really respect me, the only respect my lack of p***s, something they haven't even checked! If they've never seen me naked, then they don't know. And besides, it's something I could surgically change, so maybe I used to be male, anyway.
It's an issue of mine, and I'm aware. Parts of that mentallity I like, but other parts of it I hate, and I really wish I could do away with. It breeds anger, and it breeds the same kind of barrier that I'm trying to rise above already, so I really wish I could stop. I want to be personally able to not discriminate certain genders, and try to spread that wisdom, without becoming bitter, and sour when other people decide to discirminate in such a harmless way.
I want to choose to just get over it. It's a really ugly thing about myself that I dispise, but since it's so closly intertwined with something about myself that I like, I don't know how to do away with it. *sigh* It's something I'm going to have to devote energy to. I have to stop myself from being Angry due to something that's intended as a nice thing. I have to stop thinking myself supirior, and smarter because of it. It just plain have to work closer to being the ideal in that department. I don't really know how, but I'm going to try anyway.
If doing thinking something like this caused me to rant like that to someone who wasn't as open, or forgiving as Nicole, I could have lost friend for a good long while, instead of being able to work through it at least to the point of her being able to accept my apology. I'm thankful, in a way, that I ranted at Nicole, because of her stability, rather than at someone else. Though I'm still sorry that Nicole had to get my emotional waste. I know I didn't mead for that to happen. I hope she realy forgives me, if not now, in time.
Sock God Ghetto Style · Tue Mar 20, 2007 @ 11:41pm · 0 Comments |
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