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Well, you know, it occors to me that self betterment doesn't just happen through remembering, and punishment, ir happens when one actually tries to address the problems.
I'm insecure. About a lot of things. I feel like when I compair myself to my friends, I just don't match up, do I? I suppose that's not a fair thing to do to myself, though, most of my friends are amazing people, with drive, tallent, ambition and strength. They're really amazing, and I'm... Ari. I don't really have any tallents that set me asside, that I know of. If we're just going for what I can think of off the top of my head, we're already into easy things.
Emyli, while not only being the amazing songwriter that she is, also knows what she wants, and is ready to go after it. She's fearless in the face of growing up. She's taking colledge classes, going to work, and doing all these things that I feel like I'm not ready for, and she's younger than I am.
Nicole is so very tallented with writing. I don't think she realizes how amazing the gifts she's been given are, and now amazing the sharpening of them has made them. She can write gripping stories, wonderful characters, amazing plots and scenes... And the best of all, she can finish the projects she starts. She can get to those fateful words, 'the end'. I haven't been able to do that with anything other than Sango's Choice, which may only have been because of the people reading it. I got all those people telling me they loved it, telling me they adored the way I portrayed the story... And they weren't telling me that because I was Ari, and they had to see me again the next day. Instead it was because the honestly just wanted more. They told me good things because they wanted to know what was next. They may not have beleived I was good, per se, but they believed that I made a story they wanted enough for them to bribe me with nice things... They wanted to read it. They weren't just saying things because they were nice, and they wanted to stay on my good side... They simply wanted more.
Uh, back to my friends' tallents...
Hazel is fearless. She's the least shy person I've ever met, and she's beautiful, and she's willing to make a fool of herself, and she's a good dancer.
And what am I? I'm a jack of some trades. I can draw a little, dance a little, sing a little, write a little... I could work for the same people for almost six months before I had a panic attack, and I'm still too afraid of being the motive force for the colledge thing. I still feel like a child, while the rest of my friends are growing up all around me, and it feels like I'm standing still. Like I'm sixteen, and I'm not learning all that I could be, and I'm not being as good to myself as I could be, and I'm not as strong as I could be, as smart as I could be, as brave as I could be... All I see about me are my failings. God I wish I could see what I've been doing right...
And through all this, there's the chance at learning somehting else new. Something that has terified me, and excited me for a long time. Romance. Or, at least dating. It's something that I'm terribly insecure about... I worry to my own self... Am I going to be a bitchy girlfriend when I'm in that position? A jealous one? A nag? What? Will I be bad at the whole thing entirely? Will I end up loosing friends over it because I go after them romantically? Am I unatractive due to my flaws mentally? Or physically?
I've written too many trageties in my short life to feel entirely at ease with the romantic concept. I've enjoyed too many shows where the heros never get the happy ending... They always end up with grief from lost lovers, or the scars of rejection... I mean, in my mind I'm well aware that these scenarios aren't so likely in the real world, and they aren't so powerful, but at the same time... They are. I know what I've learned from real people in love, who truly believed that they would have blown up galaxies to stay with the person they were in love with. Will I become that biased and unobjective? Will I ever get to feel something so real, yet so unreal, or will I keep up my fortress of insecurities and fear? Will I constantly be afraid of telling people what really scares me, and why? Will I ever be able to get over my macho charade? I... I just don't know. In so many ways, I feel like that's my tallent... Hiding. I hide behind emotional walls, and when I can convince someone that I'm stronger than I am, it sorta makes me proud... It rewards the walls, and makes them stroner, even if they're no good for me, my heart seems to think they are. But, though they may keep bad things out, at the same time they keep good things out, and keep bad things in too. I just makes me kinda worried about what I'm setting myself up for later on. Will I become an emotional hermit, and will that hurt me later? I just generally fear that...
I've kinda lost the point in here somewhere. I know that orriginally I was going for something along the lines of, 'I'm insecure, but I'm trying to get better. Help me?'
Sock God Ghetto Style · Fri Mar 09, 2007 @ 07:51am · 2 Comments |
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