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I... I couldn't go into work today. I thought I could last night, I thought I was okay, and that it had just been rough 'cause I was sick - I still am a little, but I thought I was well enough to go in and face them, but... I couldn't. I broke down, and I was so scared of everything about it that I couldn't do it. I was angry at myself for being so scared, but suddenly I felt helpless, and I felt like I didn't wanna be helpless, and I certainly didn't want to look helpless.
My mom made me go onto the building, made me walk in there, and we were about to talk to Jenine, but... I was too frightened to let anyone there see me. It just wasn't an option... I couldn't let myself be seen sick, and crying. I just couldn't. It was all too much...
I think I forget I'm not an adult, and that I'm not as strong as most adults are because I don't have the years required. I think that when I do that, and I show people the 'adult' me, I can't let them see the weak, child me, because it feels like they'll see me as weak, and childish... And no matter how many times anyone tells me not to care what other people think, I do care, god damn it! I don't know why, but I'll admit that I care. I feel like I'm just a little child, and I've used up my ability to be strong at that place. I think I officially have no job anymore. I can't help but be upset over how it happened, and depressed that I failed to reach my goal of six months, but at the same time there is this overwhelming sense of relief, and joy at being unemployed, and not hoving to budget everything around work. I've only been away from work for officially a few hours, but already I feel free. Just the idea that I can wear any pants I want to, any day I want to, and the idea that I can stay up late any day I want to, and I can plan more than half a week in advance, and the idea that I can be free of the various constraints that the job put on me, and that I made worse with my obsessive nature, is liberating!
I am depressed that I didn't have the guts to quit on my own, but I think I'm still happy that I got out.
I'm going to give myself a long break, and then I'm going to try taking some colledge courses with a firend. If I can talk Nicole, Emyli or Hazel into it, I'll take something with them, like drama, or music, or writing, or something, I don't know what yet, and frankly, I don't have to think about it right now.
The thoughts, 'I don't deserve to go have fun,' or, 'I don't deserve to be this happy about being jobless' keep running through my head, and I find them more than a little deflating. I just can't get over them. I feel like I'm a bad person for doing what I did, and I hate that, but I don't know what else I could have done. I mean, I was too terrified to call and tell them I quit, and I was too terrified to go in there for three days! I don't know how I could have handled it better.
*sigh* Deep breaths, Ari.
I'm already happier, and I feel healthier than I did this morning(though I wish I could atribute that to time, vitamins and it not being early morning, but I'm pretty sure it's because I'm relieved that I have no job). And yet I'm unhappy. I've really unhappy with the way it went down, and I wonder how awful the people at work must think I am? That's just a depressing thing to dwell on.
Ugh, this is causing me more grief than the Everett thing, which was mostly confusion and anger at myself, but this hurts, it's depressing me, it's making me angry, guity and pity myself, but you know what? I think I may be overall more happy than I was when I officially had a job. I just plain feel better. Especially avter journalling all this. It feels good to have some of these thoughts and emotions out.
Maybe using this thing more when I'm upset would be a good thing? I'm finding it pretty helpful recently. *sigh* I'm becoming a teenager...
Hey, this is a much shorter post than I have been doing. I wonder if that's a good thing?
 Sock God Ghetto Style · Sat Mar 03, 2007 @ 04:30am · 0 Comments |
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