|
|
|
So, the deal is simple. I'm sick. Unpleasantly so. For the last two days I've been so sick that I haven't been able to think straight, or even remember to eat. I've been more and more stressed out, and uncomfortable with each passing day, and I just don't know how the hell to cut it out.
See, first day I was sick was okay, and I got better then went to work. Next day I didn't have any work, but I got sick, all snuffly and gross. Then I had to work the next day, but... I freaked out. I just... I just couldn't handle the idea of having to go to work in that condition, so I called in sick again. When I talked to my manager, Jenine, she told me that she couldn't let me call in again without a doctor's note. Great... So that made me feel so guilty just for calling in and not going that I cried. And cried. So I slept off the rest of the day, trying to be ready for work today, but... I started crying. Just the thought of going to work sick like I am scared me so much... I hate screwing up as it is, but when I'm sick I just know I'm going to mess up. ********! I hate this! Augh! Anyway, when it was almost time to leave for work I started bawling... I just couldn't stop. I panicked, and cried, and just couldn't bear going to work. It would have been too much to deal with, and still seems like it. So instead my mother went in and handed in my letter of resignation for march 25th, and told them that she wouldn't let me out of the house. Well, it's been about seven hours since then... And I'm still stressed. I don't know how to calm down, or stop being on the verge of tears. I keep trying not to think about it, because every time I do I work myself into a fuhrer about it, and get so much more stressed that I find it hard to get out of that black hole... See, every time I get home from work I'm so damn tired that I just want to go to sleep immediately. I don't do that, though, I stay up at least a couple more hours, but it's like every time I'm at home it's only so I can prepare to go to work again. Every time I dress I have to be careful to save some outfits so that I can have some pants to work in, because I only have a few pair that would work. Every time I plan a get together with someone I always tell them, 'I won't know until the week before,' so I either end up not going just to save that complication, or I end up feeling like a jerk for asking for time off. I don't even know why! All that happens when I ask for time off is I hand Jenine a piece of paper, and she takes me off the schedule for those days, then gives me some extra time when she can squeeze me in. Great. So I feel like a jerk in the first place, then I get even more stressed because I've done it, since she give me more hours. Well I can't take it!
I have half a mind to just stop showing up. Who the ******** cares if it shows up badly on the record? I don't ******** care! I just don't want to have a job anymore! I can't take it... I obsess, and I can't think about going to work without beginning to cry. Oh, ********, I'm doing it right now... I'm really starting to like the idea of just getting fired because I don't come in, because going into work is starting to be a real phobia! I just don't know how to exercise any kind of mood-control in relation to work... It's all become negative! I tried to tell myself that I liked the evening shift, and I liked not being on Register the day I came in and wasn't on register, and that I liked all that... But... I didn't!! I'm just starting to abhor all things work-related! I don't like getting up early, I don't like staying away from home that long, I don't like being there, even in balloons any more, and I don't like the constraints it puts on my schedule and all sorts of budgeting in other areas. I just can't find the merits any more! Sure, it gives me money, but I already have more money than I know what to do with... Sure, it allows me to talk to some people who work there, but if I really liked those people any more than the point of 'getting along' with them, I would be able to talk to them any way.
Either I need help to find the things I actually like about this job, or I just need to not have it any more. I may just call in, right now, and tell them, 'no, I'm sorry, I won't be coming into work tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after that. I know I said in my letter that I wouldn't work past the 25th, but I have to stop working for you now.' What's so hard about that? I'm an at will employee, I can just do that, right? Sure, it won't look good on my record, but I'm starting to not care. Six months with these people is too long, and I can't take it any more. It's just starting to give me the heebie jeebies. I think I'm going to talk to my mom about it, because I don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to deal with work anymore. I just don't know how to do it. I know that If I could will myself to not be afraid of work anymore it would be better for me, but I just can't take it... I want to be emotionally strong, I want to be good, brave, strong, happy, but... I just can't live up to the standards I set for myself. Even thinking about it makes me quail...
I don't know how to deal with it. I've tried, and I've been trying all throughout February, but it's been getting harder and harder to do, now it's at the point where I just don't think I can do it anymore. It's too hard.
I'm feeling less and less confident and sure of myself, less and less strong and able, less and less merited. Just less... I need to talk to me mom about this... It's just getting too hard...
Sock God Ghetto Style · Fri Mar 02, 2007 @ 12:40am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|